The One Word to Ruin It All

After a phone conversation, Jobi told me, "I talked to [whoever was on the phone] about Special Forces."

Special Forces. The green beret. The best of the best the military has to offer. It's been Jobi's dream to be in this "elite" group since he first made the connection between it and Rambo. And this year, I've decided to support him in this "dream." Allowing him to buy books, and watch documentaries, and call offices, and work out, and schedule and budget and all that jazz. And through all this "support," I've never told him how I feel about the idea.

"What did the guy say about it," I inquired.

"He said," Jobi replied, "that if I join SF, I might as well sign a divorce."

Oh boy.

"And what do you think about that," I asked him.

He shrugged, "He has a point."

He has a point? Just a point? I said nothing.

Jobi saw my silence. "You have a thought?" His voice was sharp.

I took a deep breath. "Yeah, I have a thought. I think he's right."

He raised his eyebrows. "You think he's right? Like that we should get divorced?!"

"Well," I hesitated. He's not going to like this. "We aren't strong enough for SF."

"Not strong enough?" he retorted.

I continued. "I'm not strong enough for you to be in SF. You would leave at an unknown time, for an unknown period of time, to an unknown location, doing unknown things. All that unknown would be... too much. I can't handle not knowing. At least when you could come home."

Jobi began, but then exhaled and stayed silent.

I wasn't finished. "The only times you have left us was for training. You've never been on any assignment. And yet when you come home you have a hard time being back. You can't stand to be around the kids, around home, around me. Imagine what that would be like if you actually got deployed. To a combat zone. It would be a thousand times harder! We may not make it through that. Special Forces... We are just not strong enough."

Jobi said nothing, only continued playing. But his shoulders slowly slumped. And his eyes drooped. And his mouth made a slight hint of a frown. Sadness crept into his entire form, and I felt bad. I am his wife. I'm supposed to love him and support him, through thick and thin, for better or for worse. And I'm never supposed to say the "D" word! How could I do that to him? Put him through a terrible scenario of the kids never loving their father again, or our marriage shattered to dust. I shouldn't have been the one to give him those thoughts, those images. What a horrible wife I am to tell him our marriage and our family isn't strong. I wanted to take everything I said back, give him a big hug and reassure him that his wife and kids are still here, that we love him, that he is the awesomest, most bestest husband and dad ever...

But something about his sadness was off.

"Are you..." I looked at him more closely, "bummed?"

He sighed and frowned. "Maybe. I don't wanna talk about it."

No, he wasn't sad about the thought of losing his family... he was sad that his wife told him he can't be Rambo.

 Needless to say, he was bummed out for the rest of the day. And my guilt for being a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad wife?
I'm over it.

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Are You Prepared?

My sister had a dream the other night.

In this dream she was home with her four kids while her husband was away at work. A neighbor friend was visiting from across the street. But it was dark inside, and it was dark outside. And it had been months since they left the house.

Something happened and the whole area was stuck. Phones, electricity, gas, internet were all down. Sewage was backed up. Water was contaminated. Air was so thick with pollution that no one could leave their homes. Her husband couldn't get home. Her neighbor (who was visiting from across the street) couldn't get home. She couldn't contact anyone outside of the house, so she didn't know how anyone else was doing, or if they were even still alive. And she had no batteries for her flashlights, and diapers and wipes for her babies.

She woke up and called me right away. I don't know why she called me first -- maybe I was the first one to answer. But she told me, and I quote: "It is time to start taking emergency preparedness seriously." Now I know that her dream is not vision or revelation, but that doesn't mean it's meaningless. Dreams are pretty important in our family, and I have no doubt in my mind that her dream could be a very real possibility. Or at least give us some perspective.

Of all aspects of emergency preparedness, she wanted to make sure she mentioned two things:

1. Don't forget the necessities.
Out of all 11 of us siblings, I'd wager my last dollar that this particular sister of mine (since I have so many, I'll call her Lana) is the most prepared for emergencies in our family. I know they have life insurances, wills and trusts, emergency contacts, and food storage. And she has her older kids (4 and 6 years old, I think) memorize a lot of this information. But the fact that she couldn't produce any light because she forgot to store batteries for her flashlights surprised her. In reality, she said, she indeed did not have a storage of batteries or diapers and wipes or a can opener, and her dream proved that she needed to re-evaluate her inventory.

2. Communicate your plan.
The part of Lana's dream that scared me the most was that she didn't know where her husband was or how he was doing. I would be in a massive panic if I couldn't reach my husband or children in times of crises. (It's official: I'm not sending my kids to Kamehameha unless they're in high school.) And we all can't take HAM radios with us everywhere we go. But at least knowing that each family member has a plan in case of an emergency -- a meetingplace, an evactuation plan, a storage/emergency supply, even people to contact -- will be 1,000x more helpful on my nerves. Lana wanted to make sure we all had an out-of-state contact so that everyone in our family who is not affected by our disaster will know how we are doing, and will keep the other families in the loop.

I'm posting this more for my reference than for anyone else's, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to share. Life is uncertain, and the world is clearly getting worse, so it's best to be prepared for whatever strikes. So for the rest of this year I am adding emergency preparedness and food storage onto my list of resolutions, and I hope that you would consider doing the same. Even if you have enough to only last you for a day... that is one more day prepared than you were before.

I wish I had wonderful links to add to this post about emergency preparedness, but alas, I was not prepared. :-P But I know redcross.org and parenting.com have great resources, and of course the addicting pinterest has as well. Be prepared. Good luck.

The end.

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My Internet Hates Me

If you are seeing this message, it's because I had to send an email to my blog just to get it up. I haven't been able to post a post in a long time because either my laptop can't read my WiFi or my trusty Kindle Fire is not doing its job. (Like its job is doing all the work a full-fledged tablet is supposed to be doing. Jeez, Esther, you bought the thing to READ on, remember?!)

I have not been neglecting this blog, I promise. I'm just having technical difficulties at the moment. It's making me think of switching platforms, which is a shame because I've been with Google Blogger for quite a few years now. But their mobile apps suck (pardon my English), and I need consistency in my platform's blogging capabilities.

Maybe I should just switch my Internet. Maybe THAT'S the problem...
--
Sent from my Android phone with SkitMail. Please excuse my brevity.

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The Homeschool Post

I'm not a fan of homeshool. I've never been. I love the idea of sending my kids off into the world to make friends, get playground cuts and scrapes, discover their capacity among their peers, and find their niche -- while I have free morning time to clean the house, run errands, exercise, or even just veg at the beach for a bit without having to lug around extra bodies with screaming pipes.

That was a long sentence. I gotta work on that.

But anyway...

I'm not a mean mom, and I don't hate being a mom. I just know that some mothers are not cut out to homeschool their kids, and I'm one of them. My temper is short and my patience is thin, and I feel there are some things my kids just can't learn from me. Like how people will treat them knowing they're Mormon. Or what is common courtesy in a water polo game. And I don't want my lack of successful teaching skills to affect my children's capacity (and even desire) to learn. I still consider my mom a genius for sending me to someone else to learn the piano despite her own proficiency. She knew I'd love the instrument, but not if she taught it to me herself. To me, traditional schooling just makes sense.

But I now have a dilemma: Almonds can't gt into preschool. Either our income doesn't qualify her for Head Start, or the regular preschools are too expensive. Moving so late in the year took the chance away from getting any scholarships, too. And now we know for sure that she has to be held back a year because of her birthday, so our girl who's been begging for a whole year to go to school will have to wait even longer.

So we went to WalMart last week to get her some preschool learning books and some crayons and pencils, and I'll start homeschooling her for preschool next Monday. Now Jobi and I are actually considering homeschooling her for kindergarten to see if she can just jump in to first grade on time. Aside from homeschool, there are only two other options: 1) Kamehameha kindergarten (super-fantastic private school for native Hawaiians -- that's 1.5 hours from home by bus), or 2) just start her when the school policy says to. I see benefits and drawbacks for each of these options, but I just wish I didn't have to make this choice in the first place.

Please give me some input. I'm dying here! What do you think?


Sent from my android device.

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Letter to My 38-year-old Self

Dear Esther,

I have great things in store for you.

As I’m writing this, you are 154 lbs., a size 16, waddling from a stiff sacral iliac nerve/joint/whatever, and eating lots of sweet junk. You get headaches that involve memory lapses and out-of-focus vision. You are constantly tired and have no energy to give to your kids. Your postpartum hair loss is leaving you completely unconfident. You have 3 kids who stay indoors all day, and they are content to do so. You are forever stressed about your oldest's education, and your parents' house, and getting out of debt, and your siblings' health. And you watched 60-something-year-old Kate Beckinsale do crazy fighting scenes in “Total Recall” and got slapped in the face by the reality of your lame life. This life YOU CREATED FOR YOURSELF!

Well, you’re gonna create a NEW life. And I’m starting you on it RIGHT NOW!!!

You are going to start: 

• PRAYING everyday, with your family AND by yourself
• reading SCRIPTURES everyday, if at all with your family 
• reading more BOOKS to your children
• EDUCATING them (through creative play and exploration) 
• going to the TEMPLE at least twice a month

• drinking 10 cups (80 oz.) of water DAILY
• cutting back on junk food (SERIOUSLY!!)
• eating more VEGETABLES
• RUNNING (or jogging, whatever)
• dancing for fitness and fun (maybe for performances, maybe not)
• kickboxing, kettlebell-ing, surfing, getting back into volleyball, whatever you can
• doing yoga and/or meditation at least once/week
• writing in your journal again
• learning a foreign language (either Mongolian with Jobi or ASL with the kids)
• making an income from home
• looking into furthering your education more seriously
• planning better family traditions, routines, date nights, and “me” times
• SPENDING TIME WITH FRIENDS

By the time you read this, you are going to: 

• effectively understand and recall scriptural passages with moderate accuracy 
• be in the best physical shape of your life 
• have a healthy, balanced lifestyle 
• raise children with discipline and a love of learning and Heavenly Father 
• feel like a bazillion bucks 
• find your passion

You see this list? DO YOU SEE THIS LIST??? Read it again.

And again.

That’s right … I have high expectations for you, my friend.

You better be ready. Set goals. Make a plan. Act. Pace yourself. Get help. Do whatever you need to get these things done. Because the 28-year-old you — the you that is ME, right now …

… has got. to. go.

See You on the Flipside, 

~ Esther

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